Self portrait.

kauns 2017

„Shame”

Canvas, oil, 92×73 cm, 2017

I definitely felt it in my childhood. I remember when I blushed for the first time…

These are the moments when something touches my sensitive soul, some very intimate place. For me, Shame and Nakedness is the same. They are connected. Nakedness causes Shame. It is Fragility. Someone once said: if an artist blushes, this is a compliment to his sensitivity.

Shame is also a defeat. If you are ashamed, you are not able to defend yourself, it is like a paralysis, it is a failure, a feeling of failure. Shame is a state of a person, but people are very different – in the way they were raised, in their life experience, according to age and social status… but we also need to remember that there are different cultures, and in the context of the culture society also changes with time, the eras and morality are changing.

 

 

 

life vita 2019

"I believe in miracles "

Canvas, oil, 92×73 cm, 2019

We are a miracle, all of us are. I am holding a teddy bear and in reality I am a woman – in order to be a miracle and a part of this secret. But it will not be fulfilled… But everything is possible: I am holding a miracle!

Мы чудо, мы каждый. Я держу плюшевого мишку и, по сути, являюсь женщиной, чтобы быть чудом и быть частью этого секрета. Но не сбудется… Но все возможно: я держу чудо!

 

 

IMG_2272 copy

"In the hiding place" or "Fear"

Canvas, oil, 92×84 cm, 2020

Sometimes we are hiding from people and from ourselves, but are we invisible? Can we really hide? We can hide from all the world and even from ourselves, but can we hide from God?

We hide because we want to protect ourselves. Can we protect ourselves by hiding?

Where is the safe place? I think that there is no place like this in the physical world.

139 Psalm  

Lord, you have tested me,
    so you know all about me.
You know when I sit down and when I get up.
    You know my thoughts from far away.
You know where I go and where I lie down.
    You know everything I do.
Lord, you know what I want to say,
    even before the words leave my mouth.
You are all around me—in front of me and behind me.
    I feel your hand on my shoulder.
I am amazed at what you know;
    it is too much for me to understand.
Your Spirit is everywhere I go.
    I cannot escape your presence.
If I go up to heaven, you will be there.
    If I go down to the place of death, you will be there.
If I go east where the sun rises
    or go to live in the west beyond the sea,
even there you will take my hand and lead me.
    Your strong right hand will protect me.

Suppose I wanted to hide from you and said,
    “Surely the darkness will hide me.
    The day will change to night and cover me.”
Even the darkness is not dark to you.
    The night is as bright as the day.
    Darkness and light are the same.
You formed the way I think and feel.
    You put me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because you made me in such a wonderful way.
    I know how amazing that was!

You could see my bones grow as my body took shape,
    hidden in my mother’s womb.
You could see my body grow each passing day.
    You listed all my parts, and not one of them was missing.
Your thoughts are beyond my understanding.
    They cannot be measured!
If I could count them, they would be more than all the grains of sand.
    But when I finished, I would have just begun.

 

 

IMG_2301 copy

"Tin soldier"

Canvas, oil, 92×84 cm, 2020

“There were once five-and-twenty tin soldiers. They were all brothers, born of the same old tin spoon. They shouldered their muskets and looked straight ahead of them, splendid in their uniforms, all red and blue. (…) All the soldiers looked exactly alike except one. He looked a little different as he had been cast last of all. The tin was short, so he had only one leg. But there he stood, as steady on one leg as any of the other soldiers on their two. But just you see, he'll be the remarkable one.”

All of us have had our own battles. There can be battles in the direct or indirect sense. After the battle, we are not the same anymore, our “scars” are like medals. The experience of the “war” changes us.

“But he stood as steady as ever. Never once flinching, he kept his eyes front, and carried his gun shoulder-high.”

 

 

 

IMG_2276 copy

“A dedication to my youth or resurrection

Canvas, oil, 92×73 cm, 2020

“My youth, you were there! I lay down flowers at your grave. You will live forever! You will be alive! My beloved youth, I will never forget you! You have a special place, you are always in my heart!”

In private collection.

 

IMG_3883.REG II Labrīt

 

„Good morning!”, canvas, oil, 92×84 cm, 2020

Waking up.

To wake up from the sleep. There is time to sleep and there is time to wake up. There is morning, day, evening and night, and then again the morning… Stages of life that are like a metaphor, and they can have the good or – in contrast – the negative connotation. Night can be good or bad, and in the same way something bad can be good for someone and something good can be bad, but for somebody else it will be the opposite. In this painting, the “waking up” is good. One stage of life is replaced by another. I like mornings and evenings, and maybe someday I will start to love everything. But maybe it is not necessary. Each of us are different, and it is good.

 

IMG_3772.REG Thirsty

 

„Thirst”, canvas, oil, 92×73 cm, 2020

 

Thirst can be physical, there can be thirst of the soul or spiritual thirst. Physical thirst – for water, for touch, for intimacy, for presence and for people. Thirst of the soul – for relationships, conversations, love, friendship, for peace or joy… Spiritual thirst – for God or for the Supernatural… Often we try to calm our thirst with wrong things and in a way that does not work and does not help. We are “drinking” from the wrong, the unreal source.

 

IMG_3788.REG II The bride

"The Bride”, canvas, oil, 160×80 cm, 2020

The truth and the mysterious.

 

IMG_3872.REG II Bišukrēsliņi

"2019. 2020.”, Canvas, oil, 70×70 cm, 2020

Time. Every year we go to our favorite place on the bank of Lielupe river. My mom collects tansies there and I keep them until the next year. Then I replace the dried-out ones with the fresh ones. This year my parents were not able to come, because no-one could go anywhere, the borders were closed and the trains were not driving. It was the time of pandemic, and I collected the tansies myself. But it was too late – the tansies had already finished blooming.

In private collection.

 

IMG_3797.REG Bize

„Braided hair”, canvas, oil, 77×57 cm, 2021

 

There are two kinds of blood flowing in my veins. Two countries and two languages are mine. I cannot set them apart, they are interwoven. They are mutual enemies but live in my heart together. Both are dear and important to me. The Bolshevik regime handcuffed them together in a common history. I am for free Latvia and for free Russia. This is about the dark history and the hope of living in peace.

 

 

IMG_3779.REG two homelands

„Two native countries”, canvas, oil, 147×98 cm, 2021

 

This was the idea of my friend – to create a frame where I wear this freaky nightgown. It is from my dear mom, she bought it in a market in Dubna, my homeland, and brought to Latvia. But the idea to take a photo in the Latvian scenery was mine. Again – it is a story about two identities.

 

IMG_3808.REG drinking

"Woman who drinks”, canvas, oil, 30×30 cm, 2021

 

I saw this figurine in an antique store. The porcelain figure fitted very well with my works, and I had an idea to buy it for my exhibition. I discovered it is very expensive and I cannot afford it. Therefore, I made a photo of it through the store window. The same day I was watching the interview with Michaël Borremans and it turned out that he has a painting of a porcelain figurine, and I was inspired to paint my figurine. And it is a drinking woman – thirst!

In private collection.

 

This collection of paintings is dedicated to different lengthy emotional states and periods of life. In the figural compositions the images created by my imagination are symbolizing specific inner states that are like fragments of my life, and that is the reason I have called them my self-portraits. Each painting is a portrait of an emotional and psychological state, each image is like a painted sculpture, dedicated to a specific facet of life. This is like a memory of an emotional experience, like a beautiful monument in the place where something precious from the past has been buried. The emotions have already calmed down and on a peaceful warm day you can come and stay there in silence, heal the remaining pain and be able to go on with life.

A person is modelled by past, present and future. The present is between the past and future. If you have not come into terms with the past, it will not let you to move forward. You have to accept life, especially things that already have happened, because there is nothing you can change, it just is. Only then you will have peace and the opportunity to see the world around you, you will be able to start moving and go forward. Then your past becomes a treasure-chest, something valuable and even sacred, something that you want to protect and keep. It brings you emotional fulfillment. And with very moment you discover that something that seemed so bad you wished it to never happen or to be different – it becomes the only thing, and there will be nothing else. And then it acquires a value.

You stop denying it and it becomes truly yours! This is your chest, and there is no other. This treasure-chest is valuable and dear exactly the way it is. In this way, something ugly turns into a precious stone that you own.

 

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